I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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