420 ftw
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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