I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
