her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
