Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
