just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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