oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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