Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
