Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
