this beer tastes like vomit already
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
