sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
