You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
