Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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