happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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