Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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