Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
