remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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