Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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