YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
