Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
