You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
