so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
