At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We need a shit load of segways right now
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
