The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
