did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
