i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
