you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm like, not good at living.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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