Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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