does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
