Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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