Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
