DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
