but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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