she takes plan B like it's going out of style
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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