Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
