I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
