I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
