He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
