her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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