I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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