Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
