im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
They took my balls.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
