he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
