I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
