2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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