We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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