I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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