Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
