You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
