I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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